So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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