Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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