She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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