Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
