Soap is not a condiment
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to