dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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