I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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