it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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