I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
