i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
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we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
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got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize