this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
