he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
