Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
