1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
