explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize