So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
