I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
