I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
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He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
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I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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