who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
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They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
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im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.