Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
