She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
