I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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