My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
