Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
