Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
