just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
