tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
