I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
