Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"