dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
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there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
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That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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