He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
