btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize