I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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