take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed