Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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