just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
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He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
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If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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