i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
