I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
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Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
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This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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