ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
