I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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