I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
