I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
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No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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