Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
