Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
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he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
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I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved