my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!