I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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