Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
