I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
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The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
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Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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