Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
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he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
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He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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