my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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