Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
