making cat noises will not fix the situation.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
